GAMBLING JOKES PAGE 2

Some of these are not really  casino jokes but very funny nonetheless. There are two men in a bar. One says to the other “I bet you a hundred bucks I can jump out of this window and jump back in, and stay in one piece”. The other man agrees to the bet. The first man successfully jumps out of the bar window and then back in again without any trouble. The second man assumes there must be some gimmick to the trick and says, “I bet you two hundred bucks I can do the same thing.” The first man agrees and watches as the second man jumps out of the window and falls to his death. “Jeez,” says the bartender, “You can be a really mean bastard when you’re drunk Superman.”

There once was a woman who plays Texas Hold'em poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am.
One night she decided to try not to wake him.
She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
“Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

“I bet $10 on a horse because my friend told me this horse would walk it in. He was right about the horse, the problem was all the other horses galloped to the finish line.”

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I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling.... the rest I spent foolishly.

 

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One Of The Best Casino Jokes ever!

One of my favorite casino jokes is definitely this one. After a devastating night at the casino, when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse- When I was leaving the casino, backing out of my parking space I inadvertently hit a midget.
I got out of the car and asked him if he was OK.
He looked up at me and said sarcastically “Well I’m not Happy!”
To which I replied, ” Well then which one are you?
(Sorry- not all the casino jokes are politically correct)

Travelling from the Las Vegas Airport to my hotel I tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from landing us in the Bellagio fountains.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

I apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

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A business man visiting Las Vegas was watching a Las Vegas resident blackjack card counter in a casino and was amazed at how quickly the card counter made 500 dollars. He then cashed in his chips and proceeded to leave the casino. The business man approached the card counter and asked why he didn’t stay longer to win more money. The card counter said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The card counter said, “I sleep late, play the slots, play with my children, walk the strip with my wife, visit the casino bars in the evening with my friends, tell casino jokes and listen to the entertainment. I have a full and busy life, my friend.”

The business man scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time counting cards and with the proceeds, start a card counting team. With the proceeds from the team you could start several more teams. Eventually you would have a massive team of counters working for you.

You would need to leave Las Vegas and move to L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The card counter asked, “But how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “Ten or Fifteen years.”

“But what then?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your interest in your card counting empire and you would make millions.”

“Millions? Then what?”

The businessman said, “Then you would retire. Move to Las Vegas where you would sleep late, count cards when you felt like it, play the slots, walk the strip with your wife, visit the casino bars in the evening with your friends, tell casino jokes and listen to the entertainment.”

There was this guy who lived in Dallas. He was very successful at his job. He had a wife and was happily married. And he had lots of money. Then one day he heard A Voice. The Voice said, “Quit your job, sell your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He said to himself, “What was that all about?” All that day he heard The Voice over and over and over. It was driving him crazy! He decided he was working too hard so he took the next day off.

While he was at home he kept hearing The Voice. “Quit your job, sell all your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He finally decided to move. So the next day he quit his job, sold his property and moved to Las Vegas.

When he got there The Voice said, “Go to the Stardust Casino.” So he went there. He got there and The Voice said, “Go to the Roulette Wheel. Put all your money on red 16.” So he does. The man behind the wheel started it to spin around and around and around. It finally stops on black 12. The Voice says, “WELL, SHIT!”

An annoying Asian woman sitting next to me at the Blackjack table who kept yelling "Monkey" at the top of her lungs every time she was hoping for a face card happened to spill her coffee on her blouse.
She looked at the stain and said " I'm a complete mess!'
To which I replied, "Yes...and you spilled your coffee as well."

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I was in in the casino restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, Are you winning or Losiing?"
Me: (embarrassed) "I'm up a little bit!"
Stall: "So what are you up to now?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (indignent) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

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A man went to Las Vegas together with his friends and he won more than a hundred thousand dollars playing Blackjack. He doesn’t want anyone including his friends to know about his big winning so he decides to fly home alone. He dug a hole in his yard and then buried his winning money there. The next day, he saw that the hole is empty and then his money is gone. He thought of the deaf man that lived next door as a prime suspect for the lost money. He went to a professor who just happened to live nearby the place because this professor knows how to do sign language.

Man: "Kindly tell the deaf man to tell me where he placed all my money or I will kill him now! I'm not messing around!"

The professor performs the sign language and tells the deaf man about what the man is implying.

Deaf man: "I have hidden all the money under my front porch."

The professor says to the man that according to the deaf man, he would rather just die than tell you where he put the money.