The Number Five Gambling Joke
I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last.
Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily horse racing digest and look up the fifth race.
Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element."
Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.
- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
- I took a five minute shower
- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row
- I entered through the fifth admissions gate
- I bought five programs
- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"
I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and asks the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you $10 that you can’t reach up and touch that Beef hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”
- I forgot to mention that some of the gambling jokes are pretty corny..
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to bet on sports. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, et cetera but to no avail. The cabbie snapped, “If you don’t have 20 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and missed his flight.
One year later the businessman, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. He went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? 20 bucks,” came the reply. “And will you include a blow-job on the way?” “What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied 20 bucks.”
The businessman said “ok” and off they went. As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."
(Now that's some funny gambling jokes!)
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes an older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to haul back in the wheelbarrow.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man and said, “All right. Get in.”
A doctor receives a phone call from his colleague while having dinner with his wife.
“We need a fourth for poker,” says the colleague.
“I’ll be right over,” responds the doctor.
He tells his wife that he’s sorry but he must leave for an urgent matter.
As he is putting on his coat, his wife asks, “It’s serious, then?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” says the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
(I did warn you that some of these gambling jokes were pretty corny!)
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
(Ok. Some of these gambling jokes you may have heard before)
Gambling Jokes Gambling Quotes
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Poker is like sex - everyone thinks they're the best, but most people don't have a clue what they're doing.
If you're playing a poker game and look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you
When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience.
Trust everyone, but always cut the cards.
I heard some gambling jokes, one about a guy who goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he says, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
At the psychology university the teacher that just finished a long lecture about mental health wanted to do a quick oral quiz for the students. The course was about the manic depression so the question of the teacher was: What diagnose would you give to a person that sits quietly and minds his own business calmly and after that all of a sudden it start swearing the next minute all over the place?
The answer coming from a young student that just raised her hand was: "Bingo Player".
One of my favorite Irish gambling jokes-
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman. "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?' "Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
One of those gambling jokes most of us can relate to-
An older gentleman is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the casino roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
—Gambling Joke By Stephen Wright
My husband's going to a casino in central Asia."
"Of course, why else would he go!"
(I think we have a winner for one of the corniest gambling jokes)
A man walks into the bar of a sportsbook and says to the barman “I’ll bet you $100. that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.
The bartender pondered the bet “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $100. ” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the sportsbook $500 each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you smile!”
(We've all heard various gambling jokes versions before but it is a classic!)